“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
— Anonymous
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Hi, I would like to remain anonymous, so I’m going to be going by a nickname someone close calls me. My name is Bunni, and I’ll be 20 years old next week. My favorite color is purple, I prefer menthol over regular, and coffee over booze. I love cats, and my dream is to be a Laboratory Medical Tech. I’m in college, and engaged to the love of my life.
However, there is a story behind my eyes, that people just do not see.
I am Bipolar, type II. Bipolar Type II is defined as: Bipolar II is a form of the psychiatric disorder known as bipolar disorder. … Bipolar II disorder is a form of this disorder characterized by cycles of depressive episodes followed by hypomanic periods. Hypomania is a period of mood and behavior that is elevated above normal behavior.
Wait… What?
See, I have had mental health issues since I was about 6 years old, but was not entered into treatment until I was 15, began self harming at age 13, first suicide attempt at age 8 (I will never get into details about this, or at least be vague, to avoid triggering others). I was first diagnosed with Chronic Depression. The meds never worked. The therapy didn’t work. Last year, on October 22nd, 2018, I overdosed on an antihistamine. I died and had to be revived. It was not peaceful as often construed. I was then diagnosed upon discharge with Major Depression and Anxiety. My symptoms only worsened, as the doctor refused to change my medications. In February, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality. Which also proved to be false this summer, as I was hospitalized again for severe suicidal ideation and having a plan. My therapist, Jordan Tiege, at Silver Oaks Behavioral Hospital, saved my life. She watched me one day mid-breakdown and asked, “Have you been tested for Bipolar?” I denied being tested. She requested on my records upon discharge to be tested.
The Final Result
On September 25th, 2019, I finally got the answers I’ve been yearning for. I am Bipolar, type II, with Insomnia and GAD. They have adjusted my meds, and ran tests to identify what meds would help me the most. I will do a blog post next week on medication, for those who are interested.
How am I doing?
Many people might be wondering, “Well, how are you doing now?” And I will be honest. Not so good. I am struggling with side effects from my new meds, I am constantly tired all the time, and the sadness and pain lingers, in the back of my mind. Even on a good day. I started seeing a new therapist, and I’m also in a 10 week IOP program in my therapist’s office. Recovery isn’t something that gets a day off. It takes every ounce and fiber of your being, tearful and frustrated nights, but also laughter and self care. It’s hard. It’s not easy. But in the end, recovery is what everyone who is mentally ill, deserves. We as a community deserve to be happy.
I started this blog as a safe place for those to converse about Mental Illness, to help end the never ending stigma. That way, people like us can come together and have an outlet, but also find support.
Support
My twitter handle is: @jg4gnkbDXthNKtJ
If you ever need support, you can message me there. My DMs are always open. This is a safe place. You can be yourselves here, as can I.
If anyone has been affected by the topics mentioned in this blog post, I have posted resources at the bottom. You are precious and loved.
So on November 16th, 2020, I admitted myself to the psychiatric ward at the hospital. I went in for suicidal ideation and to have a med wash. A med wash is when they remove you either quickly or slowly from medication, allow you to detox, and then put you on a new medication. I am going to talk about my experience there, day by day.
November 16
I had gotten up early, feeling sick to my stomach from anxiety. My mom and I drove to my school to drop off my books, and then she drove me to the ER. It was a very long drive, as it was a specific hospital I had to be admitted to. I remember kissing my mom’s cheek, and slowly walking into the garage of the hospital, alone, to the emergency room entrance. I kept looking back at my mom, and the final time I looked back, I was in tears. I didn’t want to go.
I walked into the emergency room, almost feeling like I was a robot. Like I was forcing myself to move and try not to feel. I remember saying to the woman at the desk, “I’m suicidal. I want to die. And this has been going on for awhile. I can’t take it anymore and I need help.” She asked me a series of questions, printed out a bracelet, and put it on my wrist, directing me to the waiting area. I sat down, shaking, and waited. I only waited for about maybe 30 minutes, before they called my name. I stood up on unsteady legs, and allowed them to take me away. They put me in a cubicle like room, and evaluated me. They took my vitals, examined the paperwork I brought with me, and did blood work. They left bruises on my arms, which are still healing.
After that, they took me to the psychiatric unit ER. There were gurnies lined against the walls. They had me change my clothes, and took my phone from me and my other belongings. They then had me lay/sit on the gurney against the wall. The ER doctor, Psych nurse, and nurses were so very nice to me. I was calm until about 4 hours into the wait. I started panicking and sobbing and they had to sedate me with Ativan. They continued to sedate me every few hours. I remember them bringing me food to eat. It was disgusting, and I was extremely nauseated by it. But I ate it. Finally, they came over to me with the dreaded Covid-19 test swab. It was painful, but not excruciatingly so. After the test, they allowed me to call my mom.
Around 10 pm, I was finally approached and told my test was negative, and there was a free bed on the unit. They put me in a wheelchair, and wheeled me up to the unit.
When I got up there, the other patients were sleeping. The nurses were very kind. Unfortunately, I was not allowed my clothes I had packed, and I had to get a doctors order to use my own hygiene products, which I did. They had me strip, and did a check in my body cavities for contraband. Then, I went to sleep.
November 17
I was woken up gently by a mental health counselor around 8:30 am. She took my vitals, and then shortly after, a nurse came in with my thyroid medication. Each time a staff member entered my room, the tears started and they were so intense, I could not speak without totally breaking down. So I just didn’t really speak. I would shake my head yes or no, or mumble short responses. I was extremely scared, as I have agoraphobia and I was extremely depressed. I eventually met with the psychiatric nurse practitioner, who worked with the psychiatrist that was treating me. She agreed with me that the med wash was necessary.
And so it began.
I had not received my meds yet, as they were waiting for me to speak with my doctor.
First, they removed my anti psychotic, ADHD meds, and my anti depressant. As a result, I was nauseated. I was nauseated already from anxiety. But I got more nauseous.
I was curled up in a ball in bed, alternating between sleeping and crying, when my stomach lurched. I started to panic, and ran to the bathroom in my room. I barely got there fast enough, when the vomiting started. It was violent and painful, and all bile. When I had finished, I rinsed and swished my mouth with water,stumbled to the nurses’ station. My nurse looked up when I knocked on the window. She came outside, and I said, “I’m puking. I really do not feel very well. Can I have an anti nausea?” She said she would send a request to the medical doctor for an order. I went and laid back down. I cried. Again. Not only was I alone, in a hospital full of strange people, but I was vomiting now. I have a fear of vomit. So it’s very scary for me to actually vomit.
An hour later, I threw up again, more violent than the first time. Again, I crawled back into bed, and slept.
Six hours went by, and the vomiting was still going on. Surprising how much bile someone can have in their stomach. My nurse and the medical doctor came into the room. The doctor talked to me, but I do not remember the conversation. The nurse gave me some Ativan and Zofran, but it did no good. About ten minutes later, I threw up the Ativan and the Zofran.
Dinner time came around. As nauseous as I was, I forced myself to eat. I did throw it back up, but I tried.
Finally, they gave me the lowered dose of Seroquel, and I went to sleep.
November 18
I was woken up the same way as the previous day, to have vitals taken and be given my thyroid medication. I remember my blood pressure being high. But nothing else. I was so incredibly sore from the vomiting, my abdomen, throat, back, and shoulders hurt. I went back to sleep for awhile. Then I was woken up again by a mental health counselor, and was gently coaxed into eating breakfast with the other patients. It tasted awful, and I had to fight the urge to gag as I ate. But it stayed down. I was still a bit nauseous, with new stomach troubles, but no longer vomiting. I socialized a little with the other two male patients that were there. One left that same day, the other, stayed. I found him a bit odd. He was a gang member, in his forties. He did not want to be there, he told me. He said his family had forced him, due to trauma (Due to patient confidentiality, I will not mention specifics or names) he had endured a week prior. I had nodded sympathetically, not being a stranger to traumatic events. I had responded, as I went back to my room, saying, “Just let them help you. You will be okay.” He had walked with me back to my room, but did not enter, as in the rules it says to stay out of other patients’ rooms. He walked on once I entered my room, and I laid down and went to sleep for awhile.
In the afternoon, there was group therapy. I winced when I was told, as I had not gone at all the day prior, and knew I needed to go, as it would play a huge role in me being released in a timely manner.
The rest of that day was uneventful. Just a lot of tears and wishing I was at home. I went to sleep around 10.
November 19
I remember being woken up in the wee hours of the morning to be told I was getting a roommate. I remember groaning, nodding, and just laying there, listening to her be admitted. She was my age, which was nice. She was quiet, very religious and somewhat uptight, but she was kind and genuine when she spoke, and she spoke softly. She went home the day before me.
That day was pretty uneventful as well.
November 20
I met with the fill-in psychiatrist, who then removed me from everything but the lithium. I still went to groups, skipping one or two to take a nap. That day, I started reading and coloring to pass the time. I have so many pictures I colored. I’ll have to post pictures of them all.
November 21
I remember waking up on my own, to rush to the bathroom, with tummy troubles due to detox. They got my meals wrong, it was nothing that I had ordered which made my stomach issues worse. But I had coped with it. I went to each group session that day, minus the addiction group. There had been a code grey in the morning (violent fight in the ward) but other than that it was kinda uneventful. The fill in psychiatrist met with me, and we agreed finally on a medication I could begin–Geodon.
I started it that evening. I had trouble sleeping, so they gave me Ativan.
November 22
It was going very well, the psychiatrist said he saw no reason for me not to go home the next day. I then learned of an incident, which I will leave out specifics of so I do not trigger others, on the unit, that greatly disturbed me. Basically women on the unit were being targeted, but I won’t say how. I found out I was the next target. I immediately ran to my counselor on the unit, and told them I was scared and concerned. They handled it very well. They were calm and quiet and let me cry and ramble. They allowed me to sleep with my door closed, and the issue was taken care of and being investigated.
Discharge- November 23
YAY.
MEGA. YAY.
I met with the nurse practitioner. She said, “You look good, and extremely calm. How do you feel?”
“Physically I feel kinda terrible,” I had replied, “but mentally I feel mellow and at ease.”
“How would you like to go home?”
I immediately had lit up. We then discussed my sleep, and how even though I felt mentally better, I needed help sleeping. So she prescribed me Atarax.
I was scheduled to go home at 2:30, but it got pushed to two hours later, due to the being behind due to the investigation of that incident on the unit. I remember the air hitting my face when I stepped outside. It felt so good. The nurse and I put my belongings in the car, and my aunt drove me home.
I walked in, gave my mom a hug (which I never do), lit a cigarette, and made some coffee. It felt so strange yet so nice to be home.
Around 10 pm, I took my Geodon, Atarax, and Gabapentin, and laid down. It felt so good to be back in my own bed.
I know one thing is for sure.
I will never take for granted clothes, my home, cigarettes, or my own bed, again.
As a recap, on October 10th, 2020, I went for a psychiatric evaluation. They did neurological testing and evaluated my symptoms.
The above picture are my results, but in case I have any vision troubled readers, here are the diagnoses:
Bipolar II Disorder with Current Depressed Episode, with Anxious Distress, Severe
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Panic Disorder
Agoraphobic
Unspecified Trauma and Stressor Disorder
Unspecified Attention-Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder by History.
When I read the list, I got watery eyes, because it felt like my whole world was upside down, but also because of relief. Diagnoses had been missed, for the third time. But now, I finally have answers.
So… What Now?
That’s a question I ask myself every day, since I have learned of all my diagnoses. I know things have to change. I have discussed this with my therapist, and it appears I’m going through the stages of grief, for the person I wish I could be and the mind I wish I could have.
It’s a healing and acceptance process, I think; I have to heal from the sicknesses in my mind (learn how to cope and manage and become stable), and accept that this is part of me, and it will not change.
As I am trying to heal and accept this, I also have to amp my treatment. Meaning, my medications will be evaluated and then I have to admit myself to an outpatient facility, for a special type of therapy, “EMP,” which my therapist calls “DBT on steroids.” I have to call them tomorrow and have myself admitted, which is something I am dreading. However, part of me recognizes that if I want to approach remission or be able to cope better, I have to do this. For me, if no one else.
I also have to search for groups nearby, similar to AA, for women who have been physically and sexually abused. But, I think I need to only do one thing at a time, so I will start with EMP.
However, the doctors DID say, that if I am not stabilized and improving by the time the school semester ends, I do have to go to the hospital for a medication wash (A medication wash is when they remove you from all your medications, let you detox, and then put you on new meds). I’m trying so hard to prevent that, as it will kick my anxiety disorders into high gear.
How am I Coping with This?
Honestly? Not very well, at all. I’ve had panic attacks and as of last night, a full on crisis, since I got my results. I have not really been reaching out very much, because I do not want to impose a burden on other people. So, I’ve been trying to manage myself, by trying to stay away from triggers (although it is not working very well), and taking my PRN.
I see my psychiatrist on the 18th of November to discuss the medicine situation.
Bottom Line
The bottom line, is that if you are questioning your diagnoses, PLEASE go for a psych eval. They are a little stressful, but it is worth the answers in the end.
As you all are aware, the last 8 months have taken their toll on me. Two weeks ago, I had purchased sleeping pills to overdose on. It has gotten unbearable. The pills have since been confiscated, so they are gone.
I confided in my therapist, and told her what I had done. She looked me in the eye, and said, “(insert real name here), you need to have a psych evaluation.”
….A what?
“You definitely are bipolar, yes. But I think there are more things going on than your doctor has seen. I want you to go for a psychiatric evaluation. I know of a team of doctors that do it very well. I want you to call and make an appointment.”
So, I called VR Behavioral Health Services, and set up the psychiatric evaluation. It was this last Saturday.
The Evaluation.
I pulled into the parking lot, sipping on my coffee. I was an hour early, but I figured I could smoke for awhile and calm my agoraphobia down, as I decided not to take my PRN to not mask any symptoms.
Finally, the doctors came out to the car and retrieved me. I must say, they were all extremely hot.
They introduced themselves, and brought me into a tiny room filled with shelves of books, a couch, and a table with chairs. They had me sit at the table.
First, they did a background, making me dig up the painful skeletons of my suicidal ideations, my attempt, and the severity of my self harm addiction. Then, they just talked to me for awhile. Talked about school, talked about family.
After that, things started to get overwhelming.
They had me complete a puzzle, each puzzle I had to complete in two minutes. I failed four times. Then, they had me recreate pictures with blocks. I failed three times.
After that, I shyly asked, “Can I have a cigarette? I’m starting to get anxious.”
They then escorted me outside, and when the door closed, the panic and fear finally overcame me. The outdoors started to spin a little, and my chest got tight. I managed to smoke my cigarette. I went back inside, and when the doctors announced the next test would be math, I began to sway. The one doctor ran over and caught me before I hit the floor, and at this point, I was hyperventilating. “Breathe,” the one doctor told me. “You’re doing just fine. Did you take your Gabapentin today?” I explained that I had not, as I did not want to mask any symptoms. They made note of it, and spent 15 minutes de-escalating me.
After that, I attempted the math, and failed. Miserably if I may add. They would read word problems, simple at first, then more complex, and had me solve them mentally. Without paper and pencils. They then read me a list of numbers, had me recite , them had me recite it backwards. I also failed.
Then, they tested my vocabulary. I think that went okay. Ish. I then was allowed one more cigarette break, and I had another panic attack.
Finally, they had me fill out a 400 question questionnaire, along with a symptom assessment. After that, it was over. They said they should have the report at the maximum, two weeks.
I got into my car, and just dry sobbed for about ten minutes. And I drove home. Yes, I got lost, but I think it was because I was so emotional and so out of it.
Psych Evals sometimes are necessary, but I still never want to do this again.
it’s been a long time since I’ve done a post. I’m sorry. Life and battling my bipolar disorder got in the way. But instead of whining about it, let’s dig in.
Now, a lot of people feel hopeless, almost even powerless, when it comes to mental illness. I for sure am one of those people. It’s a hard demon to battle. It often plays a role in suicidal ideations and tendencies. But do you ask for help? Or do you keep it bottled?
What exactly is hopelessness?
According to the dictionary, hopelessness is defined as, a feeling or state of despair; lack of hope. A lot of times, people with mental illness feel hopelessness or have a lack of hope because they aren’t making progress, or because they even feel alone. This can trigger suicidal thoughts and behaviors, self sabotage, catastrophic thinking, and self destructive behaviors.
But how do we deal with it, might you wonder. How do we keep it from becoming overwhelming? Because believe me, it can be.
Step One: Mindfulness
As a mental hospital veteran, one of the things I have learned is mindfulness, and one of those concepts involves wise mind. Wise mind is when you sort your thoughts basically into three areas, which are logic, emotion, and wise. Logic is you only focus on logical or reason, emotion is…basically that, and wise is a happy medium. When you have a negative thought, ask if it’s wise mind. (Please, do research on this, as I am not a therapist.)
Step Two: Coping Skills
There are so many coping skills out there. Whether it’s hobbies, or using skills taught by your therapist. Since I am not a therapist, let’s talk bout hobbies.
The one hobby that helps me is doing something with my hands. Like coloring, gaming, or even cleaning.
Find something you really love to do, and make it a point to do it when the darkness becomes too much. Even if it means taking a BRIEF nap. Or even a nice hot shower.
Step Three: Ask for help or support
In the battle of mental illness, some things you just can’t fight alone.
Remember… No one can fix your situation, so do not put that kind of Pressure on them, ask them to just give you support instead.
Basically, ask them to listen to you vent, and ask them for ADVICE. Asking them for advice is different than asking them to fix you or your situation. For example, you could say, “I’m feeling really hopeless right now.. do you have any ideas as to how I can cope?”, NOT “I need you to help me, I feel hopeless.” The difference between the two, is the first statement is a little more assertive, and does not put pressure on either you nor the individual.
In conclusion….
Hopelessness can be a really hard thing to deal with, and it’s even harder trying to do it alone. So if you find your coping skills aren’t helping, reach out!
As yet another month draws to a close, I wanted to talk about my disorder and medication. Not so much to whine or overly self-disclose, but to show the impact of medication.
As a refresher, my diagnoses are now Bipolar 2, Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder, and ADHD.
For the last almost 4 months, I had been stuck in a depressive episode from my Bipolar disorder, and last month was diagnosed with ADHD. I was immediately put on medication for that. But the depressive episode and focus issues (while those lessened) did not go away. I was self harming by banging my head against walls. I was making myself sick from nicotine poisoning.
Last month, I wrote suicide letters and had a plan as to how and when I would commit suicide. I was done. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was begging my doctor to help me, and I told him I could not do this anymore; that it was suffocating me. And then he mentioned a medication I had already tried in the past, called Vraylar. He said, “Different medications in different combinations work differently. There is no harm in trying again.”
So I did.
And this is how my life has changed.
What medications do I currently take?
Before I discuss how my life has changed, I wanted to explain the meds I am on and the purpose of each one.
Viibryd–Anti depressant
Lamictal (aka Lamotrigne)–mood stabilizer
Vyvanse–ADHD medication
Lithium Carbonate–mood stabilizer
Vraylar–anti psychotic and mood stabilizer
(PRN)Gabapentin–reduces agitation and anxiety
(PRN)Ativan–sedative
Seroquel (for now)–sleep inducer
How Has My Life Changed?
Before I began the Vraylar last week, I was not showering. I was not eating. I wasn’t moving around. All I did was lay around, either crying or staring at walls, and chain smoking. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t live. I was broken.
Now, I still am broken but I can feel myself mending. I’ve been making my bed every day, keeping up with dishes, cleaning here and there, eating a little bit, and showering every night. I don’t feel so suffocated; like I’m finally starting to live and come back from the darkness. I’ve started playing videogames again which is something I enjoy and working in the yard again (also something I enjoy). I’m sleeping a tiny bit better, too.
I no longer want to kill myself in any way. Do I have PASSIVE fleeting thoughts? Yes. Most people with my disorders do. But I don’t want to act. I just ride the wave until it’s over.
MEDICATION IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS!
People with my disorders often times need medication. Without it, the illnesses can be debilitating and even deadly, as mental illness unmanaged is known as THE SILENT KILLER.
Please don’t judge people for taking medicine; they need it to survive. And in my case, it saved my life.
And if you take medicine, please know that it’s okay, and you’re doing the best you can.
Happy Friday.. feels like it couldn’t come soon enough.
Today, I want to talk about something weighing heavily on me, and that is the stigma surrounding Bipolar Disorder. Granted, there is stigma surrounding ALL mental illnesses, but this one hit extremely close to home and I wanted to write about it.
“You’re bipolar? Does that mean they’ll find my body somewhere?”
It’s like a extremely violent punch to the chest. Today, I read on a social media platform that people think those of us with Bipolar are “crazy, maniacs, dangerous..”
I broke down and I cried for over an hour. Not all of us in the Bipolar community are dangerous. Most of us aren’t. Not even in the slightest. It breaks my heart that this is how we are seen.
I am Bipolar II. I’m not dangerous. Most of the time I sit in a corner away from everyone, by myself, and sleep or just stay out of the way. I’m pretty quiet, I’m gentle. I would never dream of hurting anyone or killing anyone. Reading that made me sick and suffocated me.
So now, I’m going to debunk a few things about Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar Disorder is Just Being Moody
No. No. No.
Bipolar disorder is a mental health disorder where chemicals in the brain are out of balance, causing not just emotional symptoms but physical symptoms, such as headache, stomach/GI disturbance, high blood pressure, unexplained aches and pains. Emotional symptoms include (hypo–type II)mania(type I), extreme depressed mood, suicidal thoughts actions and tendencies, substance abuse, and or self injury.
Another symptom not often discussed is dissociation and/or psychosis.
Bipolar Disorder IS NOT CUREABLE
There is not an instant fix for Bipolar Disorder, no matter the type. All that can be done is manage the symptoms, such as with medication, different types of therapy, ECT, etc. It does not just go away. Again, it’s becoming stable and managing it as to how to treat it. There is no cure. It doesn’t disappear. Once it’s there, it’s there. Forever.
Bipolar Disorder Does NOT mean You want to Hurt Others
There are two different types of destructive “modes” often discussed; suicidal and homicidal.
Suicide: An act of taking your own life, usually conceived through extreme emotional distress.
Homicide: The intentional killing of a human being, with malice aforethought.
Urban Dictionary
Most people who are Bipolar experience suicidal thoughts and urges, NOT homicidal, meaning we don’t want to hurt others.
You CANNOT come off of your medication
Bipolar Disorder is a chemical imbalance, therefore in order to keep the balance you must always take your medication, whether it be one or ten meds. People who stop taking their meds often end up getting worse and ending up in the hospital.
WE ARE HUMAN JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
Just because we have a mental health issue, it doesn’t mean we aren’t human just like anyone who does not have a mental health issue.. we are not evil, we are not crazy, we are not maniacs.
We are human, just like everyone else.
If you, reading this, have been impacted by the stigma surrounding Bipolar Disorder, or even any other illness, please tell your story in the comments below. We must raise awareness and end the horrible stigma.
Although life is anything but normal at the moment, there is one thing we need to “normalize”, and that is the discussion of Mental Health.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It is the month that we all try to bring the most attention to mental health and ending the stigma.
While I love Mental Health Awareness Month, because it sparks the conversation, I feel like we should be discussing it all the time, not just in the month of May.
My Biggest Annoyance
My biggest annoyance or pet peeve regarding the discussion of mental health is that it is never talked about unless a celeb kills themselves or announces a mental health diagnosis. Yes, we should be talking about it when events like this occur, but we should still be bringing to light the awareness ALL THE TIME.
I try extremely hard to keep the conversation going. I myself suffer from mental illness, my fiance suffers from it, and my best friend does as well. Mental health awareness is very close and personal to me, and it infuriates me that it is not talked about enough.
Why Is It So Hard to Talk About?
The main reason that mental health is not discussed is because back in the earlier decades and generations, people were taught that mental illness is a sign of being evil and being possessed by demons. So the victim never got help or discussed it. Nowadays, those generations have the same beliefs. Because of this, no one likes to talk about it. It’s considered taboo.
When I was younger and began exhibiting symptoms, I was too scared to speak up due to these beliefs, as I did not wish to be mocked or ridiculed or even ignored. It would have hurt too much. Therefore, I stayed silent. I kept my pain and my tears and emotional wounds to myself, until they nearly killed me.
No one should have to get to that point. It should be okay to discuss our struggles and our mental health needs, so that we stay healthy.
One of the things I noticed is the lack of hope my fellow warriors have because they feel so alone.
It’s heartbreaking and painful, as I go through it, too.
One of the things we need to do to END THE STIGMA is to band together and keep talking. If we raise our voices loud and clear, then people will listen.
The other thing we need to do is check on others. Because of the stigma, so many are afraid to volunteer how they are feeling, so we must take the initiative and check on others, especially those who struggle.
That Being Said…
I know this blog post was short, but it was just a very brief point I wanted to make.
I hope this post finds you well, and if not, get well quickly. I hope you all are staying home, washing your hands, and practicing social distancing. Please, take care of yourselves, and follow government rules/protocols, that are being put in place. Even if I don’t know you, I would still want you to stay in good health and away from this virus.
As we all know, this virus is very dangerous. Businesses are closing, such as restaurants, some stores, and now , for some, our providers for our mental health are closing. They may or may not be switching to telehealth (mine is), but I know just how debilitating this can be for some, as some of us our routine-oriented in our recovery. Even if there are providers doing telehealth, it can still be disruptive to our routines which can be a setback for many of us.
I want to discuss different ways we can take care of ourselves mentally during this time.
The main thing is major self care.
Wait.. how can I do that when I can’t leave my house? What can I do?
One of the things majorly helping me right now, is aromatherapy. Retail chains are still open online for people, such as Bath & Body Works. Order it online, and it can be delivered to you. Bath & Body Works is a retail chain with body care and aromatherapy. They have lotions, sprays, oils, wall plug ins called “WallFlowers”, candles, etc. if you’re in Canada or somewhere that doesn’t have this chain, look for something equivalent.
Blankets. Blankets. Blankets. For me, blankets are relaxing because it provides “protection” and a barrier to the outside world. So, curl up in bed or on the couch with your favorite blanket. If you don’t have one, order one. Walmart has them for an ideal price, or even Wayfair.
Watch movies. Pick a movie you haven’t seen, and watch it! Or, rewatch something you love. Or, if you’re me, dig out that old NES, plug it in, and have a video game binge. It never hurt anyone!
**IMPORTANT TID-BIT. IF YOU TAKE MEDICATIONS AND YOU ARE TRYING TO GET A REFILL, BUT DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE YOUR HOME, SOME PROVIDERS WILL DELIVER TO YOU. PLEASE CALL AND INQUIRE ABOUT THIS SERVICE.
I also know that for some of us, running out of our medicine is a huge fear. DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDS BECAUSE YOU ARE SCARED OF RUNNING OUT. PLEASE CONTINUE TO TAKE YOUR MEDS AS PRESCRIBED. CALL FOR MORE WHEN YOU HAVE 7 TO 14 DAYS LEFT, SO YOU DO NOT RUN OUT WHILE YOU ARE GETTING MORE. IF YOU HAVE 7-14 DAYS LEFT, WITH NO REFILLS,IMMEDIATELY CALL YOUR PROVIDER AND ASK THEM TO FAX YOUR DRUG STORE WHERE YOU GET YOUR MEDICINE, OR HOW TO GO ABOUT HAVING THE DRUG STORE FAX THEM SOMETHING CALLED A REFILL REQUEST FORM.**
The main thing, for me, is self soothing ourselves, but also keeping ourselves healthy.
What about Coping Skills?
Coping skills are such a help, some however only work for certain people.
Distraction, Mindfulness, and WiseMind, to name a few, are what is extremely helpful for me. Please do research on them if you have not been taught them, or follow what your therapist taught you.
Cleaning, drinking coffee, and pausing to be self aware, are great examples. You can look up more coping skills if you choose. I have a workbook I’m currently working in that will be going over coping skills, so I can pass any knowledge along if wanted.
Taking medicine as prescribed, such as anxiety medicine or anti psychotics, are a must, too. If you have PRN medicines to take when you get worked up, hallucinate, panic, etc. , please take them when you need them. It is very important to take your medicine right now, as some services are adjusting due to COVID-19.
Resources Available Amidst the Outbreak
I have taken a few moments to check on the resources available for people like us.
As always, the Suicide Hotlines and various Crisis Lines are still open. PLEASE USE THEM IF YOU NEED TO. But also, please try to be understanding if you have to use them towards the staff. There could be a heavy volume. Do not hang up, stay on the line, and wait for someone to assist you. Do not give up on getting help, but don’t be viscous, not with what all is going on in the world. There are also texting crisis lines available in some areas. Please check and see if this is available in your area. I will include Hotline numbers for the US, CAN, AND THE UK, at the bottom of this post.
Please, also reach out to people you trust, whether it’s a best friend, a parent, a spouse. There are so many people to help us, including each other. We just have to know where to look.
We will not let this virus screw up our recovery. Please use the hotlines, self care, and each other, and our loved ones, to help us get through this.
I want to remind you that even though you feel alone due to isolation, you’re truly not. People are out there, probably feeling the same way. Digitally, we have access to millions of people and resources we can put to use, and I can speak for myself saying I am willing to help those In need. While I am not a therapist, I am a fellow patient and can provide an ear and encouragement. Please, if you need someone to listen to you rant, please message someone, even if it’s myself.
We have to help each other.
Without each other right now, we won’t make it.
So as a community, let’s band together, and help each other get through this.
I love you all. Please stay safe.
-Bunni 🐰 🐇
Suicide Hotlines
🇺🇸 United States: 1-800-273-8255
🇨🇦 Canada: 1-833-456-4566
🇬🇧 United Kingdom: 0800585858 (available 5 pm to Midnight)
Sorry for not blogging for so long, my life has been a chaotic mess. I’ve been extremely sick, and also stuck in my own head.
So how am I doing?
Not good. The suicidal thoughts occur almost constantly. I repeatedly have to forcibly plant myself in one spot to keep my impulses under control. I feel hopeless, broken, and like a burden. That being said, somehow I’m still alive, and I’m going to try and keep it that way.
That being said.. It’s Bipolar Awareness Month.
So many people across the world are afflicted with Bipolar Disorder, such as myself. Being Bipolar is not something to be taken lightly, nor is it something to joke about. Often times, the afflicted struggle with finding hope, thinking they will never heal.
I can relate, as I too have this feeling.
People with Bipolar Disorder are at a high risk for suicide, self harm, and addiction. Being Bipolar is very hard to cope with, especially with rapid cycling. The afflicted need support, as much as can possibly be given.
People with Bipolar Disorder are often on a cocktail of meds, and are often made fun of or ridiculed for it. This happened to me the other day. They are also mocked for being bed ridden on extremely bad days, called lazy, etc.
There are so many people who don’t know how to support loved ones or friends with Bipolar Disorder. As someone who struggles deeply with this illness, I thought I would discuss some tips.
Helping Someone Cope with Bipolar Disorder
I often find myself with no support, lost and alone, because sometimes people don’t know how to help or be supportive.
Ask if the person has taken their medication— sometimes, when we feel good or even feel super depressed, we don’t take our medicine. Sometimes we just forget, too. So ask us. If we haven’t, please ask us to take our medicine. It shows you are concerned about our wellbeing
ASK IF THE PERSON IS SUICIDAL IF THEY SEEM OFF! People with Bipolar Disorder often struggle with intense thoughts of suicide. Asking will not plant the idea in their head, but instead will show you care and wish to help.
Ask us how we are doing/check on us. Often times, when we sink into the darkness, we feel no one cares. So if you check on us, we feel less alone.
Offer to listen. Sometimes we just need to have someone listen to us.
If the person is in danger of attempting suicide, offer to get emergency help to them. If they refuse and they are positively in danger, call 911 yourself. We may be mad temporarily, but later we will be grateful you saved us.
Offer to make calls to a doctor/medical professional if a person is in need of seeing a doctor. We can’t bring ourselves to do the tiniest of tasks when we don’t feel well. It’s physically and emotionally draining.
Remind us to eat and drink water. Sometimes we are so stuck in our heads, we forget to do basic things.
Tell us you’re proud of us. We need to know we are seen in our battle and it’s not futile, that you see us and support us.
Tell us you love us. We often feel unloved and unwanted in a depressive cycle. It will help us not consider suicide so much.
Words matter. Do not make snide remarks or ignorant jokes.
Be active and supportive in your loved one’s treatment.
If they are comfortable, give the person a hug. Sometimes physical touch eases the feeling of loneliness.
Being Bipolar is often very debilitating, and the person can feel trapped. If you support someone close to you in their recovery, they have a higher chance of making it through. Don’t forget, seek support or advice for yourself, too. It can be helpful to have support when helping someone cope with Bipolar Disorder, to get advice, and to let go of any stress.
During Bipolar Disorder Awareness Month, I ask you to hold the ones you love affected by this disorder close, check on them, and show them you love them. Support them and help them feel less alone. Tell them you’re proud of them, and tell them they matter. It’s important to help them feel validated and loved, as to reduce the risk of suicide.
If you are reading this and struggle as well with this disorder, please don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for help, and please do your best to take care of yourself. You matter.
-Bunni 🐰🐇
If you are experiencing urges to harm yourself, or suicidal thoughts, please proceed to call your suicide hotline, or go to the nearest emergency room.
As 2019 is coming to a close, I wanted to talk about some new coping skills I have decided to try in 2020, along with some ideas to keep myself as mentally healthy as possible, and my goals relating to my mental health.
I know different things work for different people, but if an idea resonates with you, please feel free to try it. It won’t hurt.
My New Coping Skills
So, in life, there are triggers literally everywhere, whether someone says something that sets you off, or if your brain is just being downright nasty to you. I’ve had hardly any coping skills that work for me, but lately I’ve been thinking about developing some new ones that might help.
Walks— According to scientific studies, if you walk or do some sort of exercise (use caution or avoid if you struggle with an eating disorder) at least twice a day, it will produce “feel good” hormones. I don’t exercise very much, but in 2020 I want to try to walk around my neighborhood more often, not only to help with my physical health but to get more fresh air.
Boundaries— My boundaries are extremely weak, as I have trouble enforcing them. Often times, I am scared to try to enforce them, because of backlash. I need to find different ways to enforce them as to not cause any hardships.
Mindfulness— So, for 10 weeks, I was in DBT group therapy, and one of the topics we focused on was mindfulness. Mindfulness is where you are self aware. You are aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. For example, you can use mindfulness when eating or drinking, by concentrating on the texture, taste, or smell. You can also use it to determine if you are reacting reasonably to a situation or not, which is known as Wise Mind. I’m not usually very mindful, and I need to work on this more.
Choose who I open up to wisely— I have a tendency to speak up to people who don’t need the additional stress of my problems. I need to be more selective.
Drink more water— I don’t drink enough water, and if I drink more water, I might feel better.
Be more positive— This is actually a coping skill I definitely need to use. If I look moreso on the positive side of things rather than the negative, it could help my pessimism.
Color/draw/be creative— Experts say one of the best ways to release emotions is to express them. But if there are no other ways to express them, they say being artistic or creative, or putting your feelings on paper, is helpful. I don’t know how, but it’s something I want to try.
Use Icecubes— In DBT, I was taught that if I want to cut, to hold an ice cube to the area. It’s a safer way to release the endorphins, without causing harm. If it will help me and not cause damage, I need to try it.
Ideas
I think one of the best things I can do for myself, is to manage/keep track of my mental health. The one thing I’ve been thinking of doing is maybe keeping a mood journal, to help keep track of my highs and lows. It could help me pinpoint triggers that way.
I also want to keep a dream journal. Some of my dreams are odd, and I should probably tell my doctor, but I can never remember them. Maybe if I keep a dream journal, it will help.
Crisis lines can sometimes be useful. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to find one that won’t hang up on me. I really want to try and find one, so if I really need to speak to someone to diffuse a crisis, I can.
The final idea I have is to create my own safe space. How I’m going to do that, I dunno. Any suggestions would be AWESOME.
Mental Health/Recovery Goals
So, I have a couple of goals for 2020, and I’m open to any opinions as to how to achieve them.
Stay Self Harm Free
No hospital stays
No suicide attempts
Love myself more
Become more accepting of my situation, but be more determined to change it (in the ways I am able to)
Accept my mental illnesses, but become more focused on recovery
Use my DBT skills more
Learn how to spend time alone without becoming depressed
Why?
So, in therapy, I’ve been constantly told that I deserve peace, self love, love in general, and safety. I’m starting to think my therapist is right. I think the only way I can truly make it in life if I have those things.
The changes start with me, and the time is now.
Stay strong everyone. If you need support, you can find me on twitter.
The Secret Life of Mental Illness 